Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize