Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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