i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
