My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
