Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
