Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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