can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
