I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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