hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize