His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
