I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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