I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize