Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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