He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
