dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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