he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
