Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
