Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm both gender and math confused
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize