words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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