Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
