life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
