I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
