They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we're making bets on your personal life
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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