My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
