Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
