Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
