we have pet lesbian snakes
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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