i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
