At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
