I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
