The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize