Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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