I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
