He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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