Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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