apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
