Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
