you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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