the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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