I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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