She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
