he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
