guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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