No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
