I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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