I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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