This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
