I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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