dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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