this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
