i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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