I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize