Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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