I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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