The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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