I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
